That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Screwed.edu
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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