Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize