She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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