Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
