Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
