you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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