we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize