At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
