i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Houston, we have a squirter
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel like death gave me a hand job
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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