i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
