Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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