Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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