any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
