she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
