I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
