9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
