I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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