I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
