apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
