So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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