I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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