I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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