Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
