We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
