i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i now understand why vodka
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
FUCK WHALES
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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