you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize