Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
