I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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