Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
