I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Oh god it's open bar.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize