My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
