I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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