I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
