I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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