I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize