Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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