This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
