how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
