hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
