ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
