I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
