saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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