Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
