Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
