Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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