i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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