Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
And then he peed in my hair
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