You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
