I cannot find my penis.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
