I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Then you guys just all showered together...?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
