I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
