he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
