i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
