I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
