I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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