At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize