Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
