it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize