On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
