guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
