I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize