I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
