I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
