dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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