Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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